I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
