Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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