We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
