do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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