I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
