i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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