i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
