Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize