Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
