I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
