but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
