i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
