im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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