I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
