I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
