i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
