you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
