i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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