i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
