dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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