My room smells like vodka and shame
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
