I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
