I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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