I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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