Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
