Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
