tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
