I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
