these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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