i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
