Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
