so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I want to be your penis for a week.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
