If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
