Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
