Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
