3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize