You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
