Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I need to calm my uterus...
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