you traded sex for a burrito?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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