so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
