There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
someone owes me an orgasm
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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