I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Randomize
