Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
