ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
