Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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