My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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