Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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