Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
