You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
