i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Come share oat with me in your robe
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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