i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
