Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
