my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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