Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize