As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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