I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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