so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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