And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
