I think I won the penis lottery.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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