she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
