hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
