theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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