you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize