Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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