The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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