So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
