3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
