I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She told me I should be a condom model.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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