Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I intend to get homeless drunk
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
