i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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