My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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