Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
