I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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