My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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