i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize